(April 2007) Has House Speaker Nancy Pelosi been having secret talks with Osama bin Laden? This chilling phone conversation may disturb you. Rumor has it that it's a wiretap of Pelosi's office. Is it? You be the judge.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is in her office, behind her desk. The phone rings.
Nancy (picking up the phone): Hello.
Male on other end (Middle Eastern accent): Hello, is this Nancy Pelosi?
Nancy: Yes it is.
Male: Can you hold please for one second, my boss would like to speak with you.
Nancy: Who is this?
Another male on the other end (also Middle Eastern accent): Hello, Nancy.
Nancy: Who is this?
Male: I'm a great admirer of yours. (a few seconds of dead silence) This is Osama.
Male: Yes, Osama bin Laden.
Nancy: The terrorist?
Male: Oh, please, you're too kind. I like to think of myself as an absentee Bush-basher.
Nancy: Can I help you?
Osama: You already are.
Nancy: How's that?
Osama: What I couldn't do by crashing planes into buildings, you do with your tongue.
Nancy: Listen here Mr. bin Laden ...
Osama: Oh, please, call me Osama.
Nancy: Whatever ... look, I have nothing to do with your devious plots.
Osama: Nancy, Nancy, we have so much in common ... you hate George Bush, I hate George Bush. You want the troops out of Iraq, I want the troops out of Iraq. You go to Syria to get help from Assad, I go to Syria to get help from Assad. Of course, there's a little difference -- I know he's on my side, you THINK he's on your side. But that's a minor difference. The point is, we like the same people, we hate the same people ... why, it's almost like I have a twin sister. Say, were you born in the Afghan mountains on ...
Nancy: ... no, I was not born in the Afghan mountains ...
Osama: ... it's strange that you should say you have nothing to do with my plots. I keep telling my men this, but they don't believe me. They think you're on my payroll. And I keep telling them, no, no, her work is all pro bono (whispers) that's 'free' in legal ...
Nancy: ... yes, I know what that means. Osama, I love my country.
Osama: Ah, what's love got to do with it? Listen, Tina ... I mean, Nancy, you're a better person than I am. I knock down a few buildings, and Americans hate Muslims. You open your mouth, and Americans hate Americans. I could never do the kind of damage you do. If you became president, I could cut my staff in half -- I could let go 300 suicide nuclear-bomber trainees and 21,000 virgins.
Nancy: Is this what you called about?
Osama: I called to invite you to be my guest.
Nancy: Your guest?
Osama: Yes, I'd like to give you a ticker tape parade.
Nancy (thinks for a second): I don't know ...
Osama: ... Nancy, Nancy, in my part of the world you're a hero. You want to disappoint so many fans?
Nancy: Do I get my own 747?
Osama: We don't fly 747s in the mountains. But I can guarantee you a late-model, fully-loaded donkey. It gets 75 miles per bucket-full of feed, it has a saddle with a 5-speed massager, chrome-plated hooves, a rear wiper, and a surgically implanted GPS.
Nancy: Why, that's very generous of you. (thinks for a second) Say, why don't you come to Washington, instead? Run for office. Hating America has become so American, I can guarantee you'll get 90% of the liberal votes on a bucket-full of what your donkey drops on a good afternoon.
Osama: Wouldn't I need a bull for that?
Nancy: No, we don't feed 'em bull anymore. The rules have relaxed. Any close facsimile will do.
Osama: You sound pretty sure about this.
Nancy: I'm here, am I not? Have you heard me put forth one plan to help this country's economy or terrorist problem? Nothing -- zip. And they love me.
Osama: But you're a grandmother.
Nancy: That's true. But what other qualifications do I have for being House Speaker?
Osama: I hear you. But how would I get Americans to vote for me?
Nancy: Are you kidding? With your talents you could convince Americans that if they vote for you they go to heaven and get 70 hotdogs and two tickets to the World Series.
Osama: I like that idea. (thinks for a second) How come hotdogs don't work for my people?
Nancy: For suicide, you have to promise them a little more than hotdogs. Here, all you'd be asking them to do is hand over the country to you. They do that every four years for a good song-n-dance.
Osama: Nancy, you are brilliant.
Nancy: Now, isn't this a lot better than blowing up buildings?
Osama: Yes, a lot better, and a lot safer.
Nancy: Safer? Don't tell me (with a smirk) you're afraid of ...
Osama: ... of being killed? Of course.
Nancy: What about those seventy virgins?
Osama: Come on, you think I believe that nonsense? Nancy, you and I are in the same business. You don't have to believe what you convince the people of. You just have to make sure they believe that you are convinced of what you want them to believe.
Nancy (with a smile): Well, that's not very bright of them, is it?
Osama: Exactly. Dumb people are our best customers. I don't think even my donkey believes what I say.
Nancy: I see big things for you here in America. You could bring back free speech to college campuses. Some of those kids still think free speech means you can say whatever you please.
Osama: I have to admit, that's what I thought free speech was.
Nancy: No, no, that's anarchy. Free speech means you have the right to agree with the most belligerent party.
Osama: That's beautiful. I can't wait to work with you. So what's the first step? How do I slip into the country?
Nancy: Oh, that's the easy part. You slip in through the Mexican border. Then you go ...
Osama: ... what if I get stopped?
Nancy: They won't stop you.
Osama: But they stop Mexicans all the time.
Nancy: You're not Mexican. You look like a terrorist. They can't stop you -- that's racial profiling -- you can sue them for that.
Osama: I wish I had spoken to you ten years ago. I'd be in Washington now and George Bush would be hiding in the Afghan mountains.
Nancy: Once you're inside, you go directly to Bank of America and open a bank account. From there, you go to the DMV and get yourself a driver's license.
Osama: Won't anybody recognize me?
Nancy: Nah, Al Gore made such a big stink about global warming -- it's been so all over the airwaves -- people forgot who you are. They think you sell fried chicken or something. If you want to play it safe, take off that turban and put on a sombrero; they'll think you're a Mexican Santa Claus with anorexia.
Osama: I don't know if Allah will like that.
Nancy: Don't worry about Allah. Play your cards right and you won't be bumpin' into him for a while. As soon as you have your ID all set up, head straight for my office.
Osama: But won't there be some scrutiny by your colleagues, like, who am I, my background?
Nancy: Leave that to me. I'll tell them you're an illegal alien, you're gay, your grandfather was a black slave in Oklahoma, you live on an Indian reservation, and you just got a sex-change operation -- no one will dare say a bad word about you.
Osama: Now, that sounds like a plan. Leave the key under the mat if you step out.
Nancy: Will do.
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